Voice

#1.

Who is mean: Han, or me? Who was mean: Han, or someone else from the past?

#2.

When people started to ask me why Han was so full of negative voices, I had no answers. I just replied that’s how I felt: a punch in the gut, a child-like sobbing that won’t stop, a close-ended judgment based on impossible standards and expectations.

#3.

I have a deep soft voice. I grew up listening to a lot of late-night radio shows as a child, so there’s a chance I’d unconsciously adopted some of the announcers’ soft-spoken voice and manner. Whatever the case, it works well when I have to make a public speech. And it works the best in my private room, especially when I feel down. In the most tender, motherly voice, I read out loud my writings to myself — my revelations on my raw, hidden scars, my wish for compassion and healing. Yes, I do write for myself. But at the same time, I think of people who may be suffering internally like myself. It is the most beautiful, humbling handmade crown I can offer. It is my gift. For you, and for me.

#4.

The other day while revising my book, I learned something crucial — I learned that Han was not cold-hearted or angry by nature. That perhaps she had acquired certain voices from her earlier lives, and was mirroring me back. Or wait, was it me who was mirroring her?

#5.

Like many things in life, Han cannot be explained easily. It is complicated, and wind-like, meaning she constantly slips away every time I try to capture her. She is a free spirit. But not yet free. All her life, she was told to be invisible, silent, and obedient.

#6.

In Korea, I’m thirty-three this year. And I think: Aren’t I old enough to break those rules? Those voices inside me, the ones that tell me to keep quiet and put up with every unhappiness and unfairness, don’t they no longer deserve a space in my head? And don’t they deserve a new kind of judgment — the one that finally says that in truth, they had said all that to me just because they themselves had wanted some control, satisfaction, and power in their miserable lives?

#7.

I like aging because it gives me the power to own my likes and dislikes. With it, I can protect and accept myself. Still, I’m not perfect. But I’m not unworthy either. My dignity stands somewhere in-between. And behind it, there is Han. And behind Han, there is history. A muted history of my own. Muted until, no more.

ps:

totally happy chuseok for me! because . . . https://youtu.be/ko70cExuzZM?si=igz31W-qXZUsha_0 💍🥀🩵💫